I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
