I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
