I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
