Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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