He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
