I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He better not be in your backpack
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
