From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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