my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
