You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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