please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize