I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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