while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
is that a dick in a sweater?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
