How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
