Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
