I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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