I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
