The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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