Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
