The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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