Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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