I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
