its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Randomize
