the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
