You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
