i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize