i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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