I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
should my penis look like a turkey
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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