You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
