she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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