If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
