You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
