Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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