you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
