I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
