I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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