when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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