you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I believe in your delicious
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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