Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
