The maid of honor just puked.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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