i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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