where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
