Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
