took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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