Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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