Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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