does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
