lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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