well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
