Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
my liver is dry heaving
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
