I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm like, not good at living.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
