Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Drake has all the answers
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
