Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
