WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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