Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
