Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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