oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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