God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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