I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize