My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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