I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
