I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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