I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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