My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I understand Curling. That high.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
