your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
