I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
