I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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