The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
