toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my being single is dangerous.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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